Thursday, November 20, 2014

Where Do Babies Come From?

Today, at 8:15 am, before I had ingested a SINGLE DROP OF COFFEE, my four year old son waterboarded me with questions until I confessed to him and his 2 year old sister (who was within earshot) that babies come out of vaginas.

I was not ready.

It was under duress.

I just... I just don't know.

And you guys, I TRIED TO DODGE. I TRIED SO HARD.

First, I dodged with, "Well, the doctors did a special operation on me, and that's how YOU came out."

But then, he moved on to questions about how his SISTERS got out.

I tried to be vague. I tried explaining about a uterus and a birth canal.  At one point, I said, "Buddy, they just POP out! The doctor's say, "Ok it's time" and then the baby pops out!"

(That may be the biggest lie, disguised as a half-truth, that I have ever told my kids. Bigger than Santa, for sure.)

"BUT WHERE DOES IT POP OUT?!?" he yelled. "You said it wasn't the belly button, so WHERE DOES THE BABY POP OUT??"

This was the moment when I decided that I was cornered, and the truth was my best option, so with the straightest face and the most casual tone I could muster, I explained that the mommy pushes the baby through the birth canal, and then the baby comes out of the mommy's vagina.

And then I held my breath.

CASUALLY.

I casually held my breath.

And waited.

He was silent for a few seconds. Pondering.

Then, Maggie looks up from the floor and says  in her surprised, lilting, 2-year-old voice, "Da vagina? I comed out of your vagina?"

This was the beginning of an avalanche.

It's not that they were concerned with the mechanics necessarily. The next 35 or so questions were all about confirmation. Clarity, so to speak.

After confirming Maggie's delivery and checking on Rosie's manner of birth, they proceeded to ask about every child and mother we know, all pregnant woman that we know, and all relatives. Every question was in this format:

Did Robbie come out of Betsy's vagina?
or
Will Sally's baby come out of her vagina?

To all of my female friends & family members: I am sorry. This morning, I discussed your vagina with my children. If you have more than one child, I discussed your vagina more than once. I didn't want to do it. They made me. Again, I am so sorry.

Finally, we ended like this.

H: But I didn't come out of your vagina. I came out in an operation.

R: That's right.

M: But I came out of your vagina! And so did Rosie?

R: That's right.

M: And when I am a mommy, I can have babies out of my vagina.

R: That's right.

H: But not me. Because I have a penis.

R: That's right.

H: Yeah. Can I have a cheese stick?

M: Can I have a apple AND a cheese stick?!?

R: OMFG, ANYTHING YOU WANT, JUST PLEASE, NO MORE VAGINAS, PLEASE DEAR GOD, WHERE THE HELL IS MY COFFEE?!?

Because, apparently, my kids don't care about how babies or made, or where babies come from, they care about HOW THEY GET OUT.

Which is a legitimate concern, I know.

The real kicker is that I always thought I would be SUPER COOL talking about sex with my kids. Really! I try to be sex-positive, we use the real words for stuff, up until this morning, I've answered all their questions as they come, bodies are cool, sex is important, I READ PARENTING BLOGS, I AM AN EXPERT, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

But it turns out that while I love talking about birth, sex, and vaginas with my girlfriends, it's a completely different experience with my kids. At 8am. Before I've had coffee.

BEFORE I'VE HAD COFFEE, YOU GUYS. It's like they know it's my most vulnerable state. I'm praying the next set of questions come after 10am. Preferably noon.

6 comments:

  1. This is very timely. At our 18 month appointment I asked the doctor is she had any recommendations about talking with toddlers about body parts, etc. and she was like, "nope. Goggle it?" REALLY. Can't be the first time you've gotten this question and you've got nothing?! It seems so straight forward, just be matter of fact, just us the real words. WHY IS IT SO HARD?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, V. I honestly can't believe YOUR DOCTOR said to google it!
    I'm now weirdly comforted by the idea that even the DOCTORS don't know what they're doing when it comes to talking to kids about this stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for making us laugh out loud over here. Good stuff

    ReplyDelete
  4. HAHAHHAHAHA!!
    sounds like you did a great job. so when MY kids start asking questions like this, i can just tell them to talk to henry and maggie. (that's responsible parenting...right?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely. The Williamson Children's Sex Ed for Preschoolers. Enrollment will fill right up! ;)

      Delete
    2. You should have stuck with the "they just pop out" explanation. I would have backed you up.

      Delete