Thursday, July 15, 2010

If I Could Talk to Famous People...

Dear Rhianna & Eminem,
It's so, so good. I love it, absolutely love it. Rhianna, your voice is lovely. Aways has been, always will be. Eminem, I have almost learned all of your rap parts in the song, and I think its hilarious when you say "thats why they call it windowpain."
Every time it comes on the radio, I get that "ooh, ooh, ooh" feeling & my fingers spontaneously reach for the dial to turn it up. It's an absolutely faaaaabulous song! FABULOUS! It's so passionate, so emotional, so raw. It's a masterpiece of contemporary pop music. However, it is also abusive & perhaps even homicidal, and that is what I'm here to talk to you about today.
RhiRhi, lets start with you. Okay, girl. You like the way it hurts? You love the way he lies? Now listen. I know you went through some rough stuff with Chris Brown- I mean the guy bit you- and you are probably still recovering from that. And, I can also sympathize with loving something that is not good for you. But, girlfriend, sometimes, you have to say no to things, even though you like them.
Example: I love cupcakes. However, if I ate every cupcake that came my way, I would be so big they would have to medivac me out of my house. Even though the cupcake is good, I have to say no. Rhianna- you gotta say no! No more biting, no more hitting, no more hurting, no more lying. Little girls everywhere think you rock (and big girls too- case in point- me!) and they need to know that it is NOT okay to let boys hurt them.
Eminem. Why do I like you so much? Is it because of your great songs? Maybe. Is it because your name sounds like a delicious chocolatey treat? Definite possibility. But really, I think its becuase you have conviced everyone that you- a skinny, blond, white guy- are a badass! That is a feat. I'm impressed.
But, you gotta step away from this abuse business. It was bad enough when we found out you were knocking Kim around. It really takes some balls for you to sing a song ABOUT domestic abuse, WITH an abuse victim, when YOU yourself are a known abuser. (Although, perhaps this is what makes the song so good? Both of you are really deep into what you are singing about? Not the point...) It may be time for anger management classes. I feel like deep down you want to be a good guy, so you gotta nip this in the bud. And listen carefully, because this part is really important: If you tie Rhianna (or anyone else) to the bed & set the house on fire, I will no longer be your fan. I mean it.

Your adoring (yet slightly concerned) fan,

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